“Lisa” had a sort of frantic, frenetic, frizzy hair that screamed “I just don’t care anymore.” Bags under her eyes told the story of the sleep situation at home. It had been a hard knock life for Lisa. As we sat in the brightly colored waiting room, equipped with a Thomas the Tank Engine table, we chatted. Then she found out I was a pastor and the conversation turned to shame. “I really wanted to go to church, I just don’t feel welcome with HIM and honestly, It’s hard to be there and I feel judged, so we just worship our own way. Honestly, we’ve tried.” How could I blame her? Her husband was gone after the arrival of her special needs son and Lisa marched on doing whatever she had to for her two kids.
Lisa is not alone. Indeed, I have read that 85% of marriages with a special needs child ends in divorce. Eighty-five, freaking percent!
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Fast-forward a few years to our church plant in Kansas, meeting in a large theatre downtown. As our pastor Casey preached, someone began to shout during the message. It wasn’t super noticeable to me, over the beautiful cacophony of crying babies in the back. However, I noticed a family get up from their seats. Their daughter was struggling to walk and she had something like a dog toy in her mouth. Through the squeaky toy I heard periodic shouts. The family began to walk out with apologetic faces directed toward those sitting in their vicinity. They were a nuisance and knew their place. I bolted to meet them in the lobby. We made eye contact.
“We are so sorry to be such a distraction.” They said.
Tears formed in my eyes and I explained they have nothing to be sorry for. They were always welcome. I also explained how my son had special needs and there were several others in our church family. They took a deep breath, exhaled…they were home.
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“Austin” joined us on a Sunday morning. You could tell Austin was special. He loved everyone and everyone loved him. When Austin saw me and recognized me from my band’s CD’s he picked me up in a hug…He literally picked me up. Austin had to be at least 6’4. Austin was baptized less than a year later and is now a greeter, a beautiful, friendly face at the front door of our congregation. His overwhelming kindness makes everyone feel welcome. Recently he has started bringing a new friend who will rap for you if you ask and sometimes if you don’t ask. We are a better church for having Austin. I am better for having known him.
So special needs parent, why do I write this? I want to say a few things to you.
#1-You are not alone. There are so many of us who share your struggle.
Don’t be alone.
#2-Please seek out the church. If you struggle on your first few visits, try again. You need the church. You need people who can help you, serve you, pray for you, bless you, baby sit for you, drive you to doctors appointments and sometimes just bring you a meal. You need the church. Let us try and help. Don’t do church on your own. That’s just not church. Church is so much more than Sunday.
#3-We are going to fail you, but would you stick it out with us? Church can be awkward and messy, but churches that profess Jesus as Lord, want to be in community with you. Childcare and Sunday school will be harder to figure out, but we’d like to figure it out with you. My son often has one person in Kid’s Life just for him. We use volunteers, but we want to make it work.
#4- We need you and your child. My daughter has learned so much about compassion, empathy and joy from her little brother. Also, your child has made you into a parent worth learning from. There may be a day when you can help another family through the same journey you’ve traveled through. The children of our church can grow from knowing your child too!
#5- If you are still married, go out on dates to nurture your relationship. You need breaks. Maybe the church can help.
Special needs parent, we need you. You need us. See you soon.
-Pastor Dale Huntington
City Life Church, San Diego
